New Year; New Beginnings

*sorry for the 2 year delay in blogging, life gets in the way occasionally*

2016 closed ended on a high note but not without challenges.  We were officially “homeless” and had become renters while we await a new endeavor living debt free on 7 acres we purchased, our future homestead.

            When we bought/built our current home 11 years ago we did so with the forethought that in 5 to 10 years we would sell and reap a nice return to put down on a land purchase. McKinney was up and coming at that time, but not in the way it is today.  The Sam Rayburn tollway was still only a 3 lane road with a stop light at the Preston intersection (where the big mall is).  Half way to our house the road turned gravel and Custer was a 2 lane black top with a stop sign.  With what we paid for our home, we were living the high life!  Fast forward 3 more kids, a few job changes for Josh, and a booming suburban city and we found ourselves ready to fulfill that dream we had long ago and leave concrete suburbia behind.

            Two years before I “gently persuaded” my dear husband to start actually looking at properties, he had already been searching and researching both properties and areas to live.  Our priority was schools, which can be difficult in small towns. I work for a large health care system whose hospitals are in the DFW metroplex so having a not-too-long commute was a request, albeit I only work 2 days a week.  The day may come that I decide to transition to a closer facility, but my benefits and pay won’t be matched and that is hard to walk away from.

            I’ll save process of the search and how we came about our place for it is its own story, how it points to Jesus like I never thought it could! What I will say is that by the determination and financial planning of my hubby and the rising market of our area, we were able to pay our house down far enough that we made a profit that matched what we paid for our home in 2005! That allowed us to buy our land outright, purchase the garage/barn we need, and invest in a home slightly larger than we have now with enough beds/baths to fit our family (we have a 3/2 1750 sq ft now).  We found 7 acres in Celeste, TX feeding into Leonard ISD (yea!) and reaping the benefit of Hunt County Ag Exemption (grandfathered in).  We have spent the majority of our holiday cleaning debris from the land left by the previous owners (of 27 yrs) getting it ready for its owners, planning the homestead, and packing a smidge bit here and there.  The home should be ready to move in the beginning of March and I. CAN’T. WAIT!!!  

Reflection

As we close on 2014, the year I turned 40, I find myself reflecting back on more than just this past year.  I’m actually looking forward to the next decade because there is a small voice inside of me that tells me God has something really big in store. 

2014 wasn’t a year full of milestones.  I did start back to school and did better than expected my first semester J  It was the first full year of accepting that there will be no more babies added to our immediate family as our youngest turned 1.  Our oldest turned 21.  He is growing and maturing and we are so very proud of the Christian man he is becoming.  Josh had a record year with private lessons, camps, and clinics in his quest for a PGA card.  He also made some health changes and has shed at least 25 lbs!  The 3 girls are growing.  Abby , at almost 10, has changed and matured the most.  She is a young girl with a passion for others and for Jesus.  Keara is still so innocent and naïve, still set on being a trick rider.  Ashlynn is having some “growing pains” with authority and abiding by the rules but we are working with her.  She has a determined and fierce spirit that will take her far in whatever she chooses to do. 

I left my role of 5 years that I loved with a passion because of a coworker that, despite my best effort and intention, could not build a relationship with.  She chose to continue to hound me and make complaints based on a perceived possible issue.  It was suggested that maybe I needed a position with more flexibility…by my manager.  This was said to me with no basis for the statement; I have a near perfect attendance record, never had to leave for family/kids early, and could work any day of the week.  I’m struggling with forgiveness.  I feel as though I was bullied out and it still hurts because I loved that job.  So as I work and pray through the process, I am being intentional with hearing where God is taking me. 

I found a new church home. Well, really my dear friend just prayed me there but it took 2 years!  I can’t be more content with the decision to drive 45 minutes to church every Sunday.  Praxis Arlington has the most humble, truthful, open group of redeemed sinners that I have ever been graced to be a part of.  They love fiercely.  I’ve joined in with the women’s blog (link here) on occasion and look forward to posting more as I feel led to share.   

I think what I have come to take away from 2014 is contentment.  Sometimes I get so caught up in the search that I fail to stop, breathe, and be still.  God speaks loudest when we are the quietest.   It has in turn allowed me to see the beauty in my family that surrounds me, the moments in chaos that are more precious that loading the dishwasher, that my kids don’t want clean…they want me; that a bigger house and home that looks like a model home is not what I want my legacy to be.  I want to go and live where God is going to use me in His plan the greatest.  I’ve learned that a neighborhood is not a street, that community is not a city; it’s the people you do everyday life with.  It’s those who truly care about you, who call or text or message you because they happen to think of you or missed you at church.  I’ve learned that I don’t have to pursue and chase friendship.  If I am meant to be a part of someone’s life, they will meet me where I am just as I will meet them.  I want intentional relationships. 

So here is to 2015 and all that God has in store for me.  Whether good, bad, ugly, or struggles I know that He will be with me.  I want to be sitting here on December 31, 2015 writing to tell you of how awesome life is when you let Jesus take the wheel.

Jenny

In the Shadows

I live an inconspicuous life to other Christians: I am married to an atheist.  There are men, husbands of acquaintances, who will be talking to me and then suddenly look around wondering where my husband is, "Is he here?" they ask. No, no he is not.  Nor has he ever been.  This is a blog entry I wrote for Praxis.  Take the time to read the many entries on many topics women face here.

Each Sunday we are in Church.  I would drop my 2 youngest off in their classes while the 2 older run ahead on their own.  I would stop by the bistro and order a vanilla latte (part of the church’s ministry and staffed by the older teens).  I then enter the sanctuary, check in with the lead usher as I’m part of a First Responder team for medical emergencies.  Then I take my place- in “my” seat; the section second from the right, upper level, 5^th or 6^th row, left hand side.  Same place each week.  Same empty seat saved next to me.  Yet no one knows me.  No one welcomes me beyond the “Good morning, glad you’re here”.  No one speaks to me, only at me.  Lots of people smile and wave, but they don’t know me or my story.

I’m part of a growing group of primarily women, but men too, who live an inconspicuous life like me.  We are a somewhat secret group within the church; a lot of us have no ministry, no small groups, and no support system.  We are clumped in with those who are divorced, widowed, or single.  Yet we are not; we are married, happily or with struggle.  Some of us are starting families, raising families, empty nesters, or retired.  We have a passion for Christ that may be slightly different than others because Jesus is our bridegroom.  He is truly who we are married to.  We are the unequally yoked, the spiritually mismatched.  We are married to agnostics, to believers of a different faith, or to hardened atheists. 

I’ve had Christian friends who tell me that I probably have an easier time being a wife to a non believer than they do.  The logic behind their statement is this:  The bar is set higher for them since their husbands have “expectations” as to how they fill the Christian wife role.  They are held to more accountability when it comes to submission.  My response to them is, “Really?  Are you sure your married life is harder than mine? “.  I have yet to find scripture that differentiates between a wife of a believer and a non believer in regards to the level of behavior and submission.  The only difference is that if my husband chooses to walk away, I am to let him go (1 Corinthians 7:15) to which Paul follows that up with, “How do you know, wife, whether you will save your husband?”  We wives are bound by the same scripture in verse 10: “A wife must not separate from her husband.”   I am bound to submit reverently to my husband regardless of his beliefs because I have accepted Christ as my savior and therefore I am to walk in His light, abiding by His Word.  I cling to the verse that is common amongst all of us who are unequally yoked:  “Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives. “ (1 Peter 3:1)

I’ve struggled with my role in our marriage.  I’ve arm wrestled with God regarding whether it’s my purpose to “bring” him to Christ.  Early in my walk, I saw it as my calling.  I’ve read countless books on marriage by many different authors.  One of my favorites is When He Doesn’t Believe by Nancy Kennedy.  I laugh and I cry at the common thread we have.  The first 5 years of our marriage were rough, not just because of circumstance, but because I failed to see that my behavior was not in line with my belief.  We attended counseling but it wasn’t until I came to an enlightening moment that things began to turn around.  In the shower one day (my best place to think) God smacked me with this thought: “Jenny, it’s not for you to convert him.  It’s between Me and him.  His salvation is his alone, and only through Me.”  Talk about a load off my shoulders!  From that point forward I have made it a daily reminder/mission/call-it-what-you-may to pray him up, walk in the light, and constantly remind myself that my actions speak louder than my words.  Might I also add that the actions of our 5 children speak volume, as well.  Our oldest, at 21, reminds his dad that he prays for him.  Our 4 youngest include daddy in dinner prayer, especially when he is at the table “praying” with us.  I am blessed to raise our children in Christ and that my small army surrounds him with Jesus on a daily basis, not throwing it in his face but as a gentle, warm glow. 

I love this verse from the aforementioned book:

“A woman married to an unbeliever can expect opposition as well as blessing, and from her marriage she can expect to reap what she sows…  But if a woman sows a desire to find common ground with her husband and sows patient acceptance of him just as he is…If she encourages, admires, and respects him and rejoices that God includes him in his covenant of grace with her…And if she sows hopeful anticipation of what the Lord can and will do in both of their lives…Then she can reap a marriage filled with moments of happiness and Joy.”

It’s not easy, ladies.  But we are not promised easy, only that we will not endure this alone.  Find a church family that supports you; that reaches out to meet you, that encourages your place in your marriage.  I found Praxis.  Each woman has her own struggles and blessings in a marriage of unequal faith and some have to make the decisions regarding the safety of herself and her children.  Persecution as a Christian is one thing; violence for our belief is another.   

So to answer the question Paul raised: No, I won’t save my husband.  But I do know that my example and how I live my life can and will have a profound impact on him and may ultimately tip the scales of salvation towards the saving of his soul.  

“Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers a multitude of sins.”  1 Peter 4:8

Always know, no matter your circumstances in marriage, you have a Bridegroom who loves you passionately, and went so far as to die for you. 

A Portion

A few weeks ago I had the pleasure of sharing a kind of brief version of my testimony.  I say brief because in hind sight, I left out a lot of life that plays into my current place with my Savior.  Since I seem to never post blogs anymore, this one is the best place to start.  Click on over to Praxis Womens and read how God is doing amazing things in the lives of broken women from all walks of life!

I was raised knowing God, knowing the rules I needed to follow in order to be in good standing.  The rules that, when adhered to, would allow me through the gates of heaven.  Then my parents divorced, my mom remarried, and we moved from upstate NY to Arlington, Texas; my world had turned upside down in 2 years.  At 8 yrs old I questioned who God was and by 12, church was no longer part of my life.  I had no significant relationship with my mom and my step dad was borderline abusive and strict.  The next 7 years were filled with isolation, shame, alcohol, drugs, and an abusive relationship which culminated in a pregnancy at 18.  As I look back, this is where God started his work in taking over what I was failing at trying to do. I was at rock bottom and now I could only look up. Problem was I didn’t.

My 20’s were spent balancing parenting, college, and still rebelling.  I was searching for a love and acceptance that I just couldn’t find.  I went through a couple of relationships, one that was significant but he left me for another woman; love was pretty hurtful to me.   I lost my step-dad to cancer when I was 24.  We had developed a bond the moment I told him I was pregnant.  He was there for me no matter what.   6 months after his death I graduated with my nursing degree.  The one prayer I prayed went unanswered; to have him live to see me graduate.  Again, God let me down.

I met my future husband.  Something was changing, but I didn’t have a clue to the road I was about to embark on.  He had recently moved back to Dallas from Florida knowing (unbeknownst to me) that he would “find his wife in Texas”.  He says he always knew this.  We were dating 6 months when he proposed, found out we were pregnant and 6 months later we were married.   Within 1 ½ years from our wedding date we added 2 kids, a new house, and suffered 3 job lay-offs.  Life was rough.

Our son, in 6^th grade at the time, was invited to a youth night.  He had a fun time and wanted to check out the church.  So I took the kids and thus began a brand new chapter in my life.  God was calling me and there was going to be no turning back now.

You see, my husband and I never placed our faith/belief as even a remote priority in our dating.  I knew he was raised with an Episcopalian background (me Catholic) and that he didn’t attend church; I just never knew he had turned away and was atheist.   My walk in Christianity meant it would be alone.

I’ve spent the last 9 years walking blindly on the narrow path of faith; Limited family support, no spousal support, no system of support for new believers from my church.  I’ve read a ton of books on being a godly wife and on being married to an atheist.  I’ve grown in my knowledge of scripture more than I could ever have imagined.   I pray through my days as I lead my 5 children on a path to salvation and pray that God will turn my husband’s heart towards Him.  What I have not been able to find is a church home.   A place where the people not only welcome you wherever you are in your faith, but a family that meets you where you are and walks the journey with you.  Well, I found it.  Oddly, I found it in the same neighborhood I grew up in even though I’m 50 miles away now.  Despite the distance the truth, grace, and rawness continue to draw me in. 

My name is Jenny.  Come join me at Praxis.

Concerns of the church

I'm in a new season. I'm questioning the focus of the church I've been attending for over 3 years; where it's heart and vision is and if the actions reflect that.

The deeper I get into scripture study, the deeper my passion is to follow the commands of Christ.  This concern was brought about one Sunday while listening to our Pastor describe a new "need" to build a larger Childrens building...which means another fundraising. More money for more space for more people, but at what cost? Is the concern for quantity or quality?
Are we converting non/unbelievers or bringing in new-to-the-area Christians? And what are we doing to mentor these new converts in their new life? I'm speaking of both adults and children. 
I was disappointed to receive an email about sending my girls to the new believers class just 3 months after their baptism!! They had both attended it before hand, as required! To this day, they go unnoticed in class as we visit other churches. What about the baptized kids, why are they not sitting in service with their families during Lords Supper? Should they not be exposed to this wonderful sacrament? A record number of young adults are turning from christianity, we are responsible for giving them not just a foundation but empowering them with the truth of the gospel. We continue to fail them in this.
How does one remain accountable in a congregation of 2,500? From the pastor to the elders to the ministry leaders, small group leaders, and members. I recently inquired to my pastor about an "author" of the sermon series studies. He was unaware of her "certificate" through an online course (no theology or doctrine degrees) and had to research it.  This, folks, concerns me. I want my theology "teachers" to be validated!

I'm learning that there is something to be said about "small churches", a gathering where the passion of the people is taking the gospel to the people. A church whose pastor is more concerned with the quality of the Christian life rather the number of members. A church who holds each other accountable to daily life, not just on Sunday or during small group. A church who routinely reaches out to the needy. A church who engages the youth in scripture instruction, not just tickling the ears with fun a study. A church with transparency, rawness, honesty, love, compassion, truth, and Grace.

A Few Tidbits

My dad recently pointed out that I have not posted a blog update in quite some time...and boy is he always right! (brownie points, right??)  I guess you can say that life with 4 kids still at home is downright crazy busy, and I wouldn't change it for the world. 

Summertime means long playful days, trips to the waterpark, vacation, VBS, snacks more than meals, and nights hanging with friends.  Being married to a Golf Pro it also means "single parent summer", the part we all hate.  Josh has a waiting list for lessons and sessions.  There are tournaments, on average, 5 per week that he coordinates and leads.  Not to mention his regular shift hours in the pro shop.  This basically means he is gone about 12 hours a day, sometimes longer, and 5-6 days a week.  His only "days off" are for my shifts at the hospital...so at least the kids get him for that time!  The kids understand his work and all that he does, so there is no questioning of, "what is daddy doing?".  SO to rectify the fact he and I are total strangers during the warm weather months of Texas (April-Oct) I'm working on retaining a sitter for one night a week, even if we just go sit in a parking lot somewhere.  We are consistent about the kids all being in bed by 8 so we can catch up in the evening, but I think we need out of the house (further than the patio or front porch).  I'll update later on how this works out.

I'm still working on gaining the support to homeschool Keara next year.  She has voiced a desire to and I really want the opportunity to work with her, just need to get daddy on the same page.  I'm planning on not registering Ashlynn until 1st grade (Kinder is not required in Tx) since she is miss smarty pants and doing a bit more than the others did at 4.  This all leads me to re evaluating my own career path and where I feel most drawn to spiritually.  There is a lot of politics going on in my division.  I know, there are issues everywhere, but understand I've been in the same place for going on 13 yrs and it has never been this way.  I'm so disappointed in my director and decisions/changes that have been made.  Not to mention the ongoing interpersonal issues with one of my co workers.  I will only say she is agnostic and self centered.  I pray for her, pray for her healing, and pray for her to see that fulfilling her own needs/desires will lead to only momentary happiness and ruined relationships.  I'm currently researching different options that will not only benefit me professionally but personally for my family as well.  I'll keep you posted...

An Attempt to Rekindle...

I've been absent for a while.  Summertime in our house is chaotic to say the least. I admire the mom's out there who can run a household, IG phenomenal pictures, and blog routinely.  I just flat don't have the time.  I made a commitment to being present in my kids lives and that has taken precedence over all this other crud.  Don't let me fool you, I hover on my phone a little too much (I'll cover that conviction in a minute) and I really should delete my FB account. 

The kids just finished their first week of school.  Abigail is enjoying 3rd grade and Keara is not a fan of school at all.  When asked she will tell you, "I don't like writing, reading, math OR science.  Just recess, I like recess."  She has a passion for animals that I use to promote curriculum.  I really wish I could homeschool her.  I have our front room (what should be the formal dining) set up as a play and school room.  Once the kids turn 3 I start preschool, so this is Ashlynn's year and she is by far my challenging one.  She is quick and smart but doesn't want to let on unless it serves her a purpose.  I love her personality.  I originally wanted to homeschool them all but Josh wasn't a fan.  Public school does give them options, but I still feel as though the learning is without passion; too much routine, long days and a focus on state test guided standards. Ok, off my soap box.

 

 

My 3 attempts at finishing this blog are proving useless.  Every time I sit down, no matter the time of day, it's either a screaming baby or a blank mind. 

 

And on that note.....

My Soul Delights

Today was a huge day.  2 of my daughters were baptized.  There is no prouder a moment for a parent than seeing your children accept Jesus Christ and participate in the outward showing of their new walk in faith. Not to mention their papa performed the baptism at church!  Keara asked the most faithful man in our family to welcome them into their "new life", and he was so emotionally touched and proud to do it. Rick was not a Christian all of his life, went through a lot of trials and setbacks on his path to real freedom.  He loves Jesus like no one I know and has a passion to bring others to know and accept Christ; specifically strangers which I find so real about him.

Keara's baptism

                                                                                 

Abigail's baptism



I've kept a special secret to myself for many years.  It's been my birthday wish, my Christmas list (of one) and my prayerful request.  Every Sunday as I'm in service I keep a chair next to me available...on the off chance my husband might need to sit there.  Long shot, I know.  He's a recognized atheist.  He admits it, tells us there is no "God" and that he will be reincarnated one day. Well, the girls asked him to come to their baptism and he said yes.  And he did! I had my entire. family. in. church. Me, our 5 kids and my non believing husband.  Now don't get me wrong, he came because his daughters asked him to.  I won't even say he supports them, but they are his little girls and he didn't let them down.  I'm sure the entire 30 minutes he wished he was anywhere but there, I could tell by his body language and breathing/mumbling.  Heck, he made a b-line out there and I wouldn't of known had I not been waiting by the door for the girls to come out of the bathroom.

 

You see, I may have been praying and hoping for him to come to church with me one day but I never said it had to be as a believer.  My prayer was just to "get him in the door" so to speak.  For him to have a small glimpse of what we worship and what his children are passionate for each week. I sat back and thought to myself, "I wonder how much energy it takes to be that defensive, that angry, that resentful and that bitter to Christianity?  How hard does one have to work to deny what he sees in his children and his wife?"  Then my dear friend made a statement to me that validated everything I was thinking; she said, "The reality is if it didn't mean anything to him he would have just stayed.  Things that truly don't matter to us don't bother us."  Could she have been any more spot on? I rest assured that the Spirit is working in Josh, I have faith in this if for no other reason than he is having to fight what the rest of his family is living.  The Bible is true, God does win in the end. 

 

He may never come back to church, he may never accept Jesus Christ.  I'm okay with that; his salvation is between him and God.  But if I die tomorrow I will leave this earth having had my entire family in church with me. Once. And it was my 7 and 8 year old daughters baptism that made that happen :)

 

Welcome to your new lives girls.  I hope you bask in Love, Joy and unwavering Faith and that your prayers for your daddy come true.

 

"The LORD is good to those whose hope is him, to the one who seeks him; it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the LORD...For men are not cast off by the Lord forever.  Though he brings grief, he will show compassion, so great is his unfailing love."

 

(Lamentations 3:25-26, 31-32)

To The Mac Daddy

It's been 9 1/2 years since we met, 8 1/2 since we joined as one and we've welcomed 4 beautiful, inspiring kids into our lives since then.
Today I just want to thank you. For fathering our 5 children in a way no one else can. for loving them, loving me while I grew them and playing such a huge role in not just their delivery but the first months of their lives. I am honored to watch you grow as a daddy with each one, as each year passes. 
Our kids are blessed to know such love from a father and in turn my love for you continues to grow beyond measure.

Happy Fathers Day Josh, we love you.

Family, Schmamily.

What greater thing is there for human souls than to feel that they are joined for life - to be with each other in silent unspeakable memories.  ~George Eliot

The memories I have as a child are mixed.  On the one hand, I have upsetting ones.  Mostly of the times from my dad moving out to moving to Texas and the struggles that followed.  Then on the other hand, I have these awesome ones of family get-together's, summers at my dad's and time spent with my grandparents.  Surprisingly, the good outshine (I don't think they outweigh) the bad.  I love reminiscing about family picnic's at my Aunt Betty and Uncle Ray's farm, spending time with them and helping with the work.  Weeks spent with my grandparents or in Canada at my aunt & uncles with my 2 cousins. Better yet, camping with my parents (or my dad after the divorce), time at the lake (Ontario is awesome) and running all over the neighborhood playing with friends.  Can't forget how my crazy grandma Schultz would load us kids up for field trips (those times were awesome) and after dinner drives with my Templar g-parents for an ice cream :)

Nowadays, it seems no one has time for that.  Our culture and society have placed more emphasis on the me rather than the we.  Throw in the fact that families just don't stay geographically close anymore and you have part of the breakdown of the American family. 

I am trying.  I want to cultivate that kind of family bond in my children.  My desire and hope for them is that they will stay somewhat close in proximity to be a support to each other.  Even if it's a couple hours distance, it's enough to lean on each other in times of need.  I want them to know they can lean on each other, to be best friends. You see, my 5 kids are pretty much on their own.  Cousins? Eh.  Ian has 12 who he sometimes sees, but he's the oldest...not to mention the most put together, intelligent and has a grounded Christian foundation.  The other 4, neither side of their family cares to bond (those with kids close in age, at least) and I try to stay in contact, but it's usually one sided. There are no family get-togethers, no picnics, no real outreach for holiday bonding.  [And speaking of holidays...I will be requesting no gifts from now on {grandparents excluded...you have every right to spoil them}] 

I'm at a phase in my life where I really don't care if Josh took a job in Indiana for I don't really think we'd be missed and wouldn't see anyone any less than we do now.  My children make friends easily and I can work anywhere.  Don't be surprised if you don't hear from me.  If my usual holiday invite becomes obsolete or I disappear from the dreaded facebook.  My focus is my family, the 7 of us that I am forging a legacy for. This is why I always wanted 4-5 kids, because I was torn away from a fairly large family...at least larger than the 2 members I had when we moved here to Texas.  I want my kids to know what that bond of love and togetherness feels like.  So even if they don't have the group of cousins like I did, they will have each other and then their children will have each other, in hopes of rekindling a generational family.  Maybe not, but at least I am willing to make it a priority.   

I am a Missionary

Nursing.  My calling. My ministry.

I've known all my life, without any doubt, that I would be a nurse.  I wrote in my baby book at age 7 that when "I grow up I want to be a nurse".  As an adult, I can now say it is what God called me to.  It wasn't an easy path to becoming an RN, it was a road riddled with potholes and detours.  {breaking for a crying baby}  Not all the detours were bad, though.  My proudest accomplishment is having a baby at the young age of 19 and now watching him forge his own paths as he follows Christ and searches for his calling.  Ian is growing into a fine young man, responsibly living on his own.  Without my trials and struggles, the evil that tried to consume my life, I would not have him.  It was my birthing of him that kick started my pursuit of nursing school. Now I have the honor of affecting, changing and impacting lives each time I am at work.  I get to love, heal and touch people in a way that resembles Christ love for us but in a microscopic way.

 2 Cor 9:12-13 "This service that you perform is not only supplying the needs of the Lord's people but is also overflowing in many expressions of thanks to God. Because of the service by which you have proved yourselves, others will praise God for the obedience that accompanies your confession of the gospel of Christ, and for your generosity in sharing with them and with everyone else. 

Sunday Bruce spoke on the topic of the Great Commission, John 20:21-23.  There are times that I am utterly amazed, break out in goose-bumps and/or welled up with emotion at how his sermon speaks to me at just. the. right. time. I went back to work when Brenden was 9 weeks old, a bit sooner than I usually do.  Everyone I came in contact with would ask me "why so soon?" or "I'm sure it was hard" to which my reply was, "no, because it's my calling.  It's my ministry."  When you feel so passionately about what you do, it's not a job.  It's not work.  It's as if you are disobeying the LORD in what He has blessed you with by not doing it.  Sunday confirmed that.  You see, it's not just in being a nurse that I am called to, it's at home and in my community.  At home, I am the only spiritual leader.  Most of you know that my husband is an atheist, agnostic at best.  Our beliefs differ, but we have the same hopeful outcome for our lives and children.  So I am the sole example on living a Christian life to all 5 of our kids.  I say that knowing that now Ian (our 19 yr old son) is forging a path for the little ones to follow as well. I have to be very mindful in how I portray myself as a mom and wife to my girls.  I set the Proverbs 31 example.  I must show them how to be modest and godly, not just tell them.  This truly brings me full circle to 1 Peter 3, my daily reminder.

"Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives"

You see, WE are the mission, WE are the movement.  Not what we do, not the church.  Christians. Us. Bruce reminded us, rather enlightened us to the fact that if we call ourselves a Christian that we are a missionary.  You can not separate being a follower of Christ from being called to spread the Gospel just as you can't pick and choose what part of the Bible you want to obey.

Again Jesus said, "Peace be with you! As the Father has sent me, I am sending you." And with that he breathed {Gen 2:7} on them and said, "Receive the Holy Spirit." (John 20:21-22)

As the church, the body of Christ, we are the hands and feet commissioned by Jesus Christ, empowered by the Holy Spirit to go and make disciples of the nations.  Whether the nation is another continent or in your own neighborhood, you have the power to make a difference.  As a Christian you are a missionary.  Now say that out loud. 
Go and be one.

Time Flies

So yesterday my little man, my last baby turned 2 months {insert frown & tear}

Here are his stats:
13 lbs 0.5 oz
23 3/4 inches
poor baby received 5 shots! The combo drug which contains 3 of the above immunizations is on National back order :(

His personality is coming out.  He's pretty laid back, sleeps great. This last week I've gotten a good 7-8 hours each night and one 11 hr stretch! I love how happy he wakes up, the smile he gives me when I pick him up or change him.These days will be short, they will fly by and I'm doing my best to lavish in them, enjoy them, let the small things go. Perfection is not a path to happiness, I need to realize that. My kids are my joy and I'm doing so much better at being here, being in the moment with all of them :)

Raising Modest and Godly Girls

I find myself cringing when summer rolls around.  Not because my kids will be running rampant around the house, but because of the clothing options that are available for 2 older 7 & 8 yr old girls. 
I took Abby shopping last week.  She has grown 3 sizes since last summer, which my pedi tells me is normal for the 8-10 range with girls.  I was shocked at the options of clothes!!  Not only can you NOT find shorts that come below the gluteal line, it's all tank tops and short shirts and bikini bathing suits!  I must say though, we scoured the racks of Khol's and Abby found some very cute outfits that were modest and looked great on her.  I love that the neon colors are back in (takes me back to my childhood).  Sadly, we only found 2 1-piece bathing suits.

I'm reminded of something I heard or read.  I wish I could remember from who so I could give credit...

"Only allow your child to wear the type of clothing at 3 that you will consider acceptable at 13"

I see so many young girls and toddlers wearing "adult style" clothing with mom's acting so proud of how "cute" they look. Seriously ladies, let's teach our daughters that it is not about being cute and stylish but about gaining respect.  It's about recognizing that your body is a temple, owned by God and should be treated as such.  That by enticing young men to look at you with lust means there is sin in your relationship before it even begins.  Who you are intellectually and emotionally are by far more important than how much of your body you show to the world.  A girl/young woman should never have to gain attention by exposing her body in any fashion. 

I want my girls to remember that they are "fearfully made" for a divine purpose by God.  I am trying to raise a proverbs 31 legacy in the 3 of them.  I hope that by my own example, they will see that modesty does not mean frumpy, it means respecting yourself and looking beautiful...inside to out.

1Peter 3:3-5
"Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes.  Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight."

Just a Rant

I never really use my blog to complain.  Heck, I try really hard to not complain at all, but lately I've been frustrated.  Disappointed.  Let down.  I like to think I'm a pretty good friend.  I may not show up at your house with unannounced dinners or take you out for lunch and drinks, but I'm honest and trustworthy and will do just about anything you need (5 kids excludes things sometimes).  I'm there by your side, no questions asked, when you call.  Prayer warrior extraordinaire.
Lately, though, I'm feeling as if I'm sending out Morse Code with no reply.  Dead air.  No communication on the radio.  I keep in touch my friends and put forth effort to get together, even willing to travel over 100 miles round trip, but it appears my desire outweighs theirs.  Maybe the friendship I thought we had is really just an acquaintance and I need to accept it and get over it.
Don't get me wrong, I have a few true friends who contact me to see how I'm doing, want to spend time with me, and we do things with our kids (wink, wink...you know who you are) but it is only 3 friends.  3...and you know what?  Now that I type it out, 3 is a very special number in the Bible.  Anytime scripture is written or repeated 3 times, take note; It is very important! It represents the Godhead/Trinity. So you know what...my rant has turned into an enlightenment.  I would rather have 3 friends who I know I can call on and count on in a pinch, who show concern for me, my life, and my family than 10 friends who just really don't care.


Isaiah 6:3 (kjv) "And one cried unto another, and said, Holy, Holy, Holy is the Lord of hosts; The whole earth if full of His glory"

1 John 5:7,8 "for there are three that bear record in Heaven, the Father, the Word, and the Holy Ghost; and these three are one"

Sabbath

It's a beautiful Sunday afternoon.  I'm sitting on my front porch watching my 3 girls ride bikes, my baby boy dozing in his bouncer at my feet and dinner in the crock pot (smells delish, by the way).  This is how life should be, enjoying your family on the day the Lord commanded us to rest.

Yesterday, I spent 5 hours cleaning my house and doing laundry.  Sounds like a lot of time, but for 3 of that I had 3 kids running amok and the baby wanted to nurse quite a bit.  Oh, and I did get in a 30 min work out :)  Needless to say, it's not looking the same today but you know what?  Who cares? My bathrooms are clean, beds are made and dishes loaded in the dishwasher.  I have a tendency to be OCD, but on my terms.  That means that the house should be de-cluttered and can be done at the expense of having horrible looking cupboards and drawers which is where the clutter gets stashed.  Out of sight, out of mind. I have a "new" friend who lives down the street from me.  She is wonderful and has a beautiful perspective on life and scripture.  She and her hubs have twin boys 6 months older than Ashlynn and she is in love with "Jack and Finn".  I've been following her new blog Soul Refinery and she has totally sent me in a tail spin with her perspective, from motherhood to being a wife to just life in general. It's helped me to see that I don't need to be perfect.  Life is what happens when I'm trying to keep the house clean and that isn't the legacy I want to leave.  So now, after another convicting blog post by my friend Libby, I will ditch the Pinterest, keep the house sanitized and relish in life.  We have 5 kids now.  1 has his own place, the other 4 are under 8.  In roughly 20 years Josh and I could potentially be alone and today will be a bittersweet memory that we will wish we had back. 

God only wants from us what we have.  He isn't waiting on me to be perfect, or have more time, or for my kids to be older.  Each moment of my day is to be lived with a focus on how God is using me, or wants to use me.  Is He speaking to me and I'm not listening?  Is He telling me to do something, to go a certain direction or take a leap outside my comfort zone?  I need to listen more closely and act more directly.  I need to move when He speaks because in Exodus 3:12 He tells Moses when Moses doubts being able to rescue the Israelites out of Egypt "...I will be with you." If He sends us, He will never forsake us.

I took Brenden to church today :)  There is nothing more inspiring than getting yourself and 4 kids Sunday ready and out the door on time to church!!  I loved having my little 17 day old son snuggeled up in his moby wrap against my chest celebrating our Lord and singing HIS praises.   This is an important time, the beginning of a journey that he will take and I pray it is paved with strong, Christian men.  He did great!!  Not a peep from him the entire time.  Extra special was taking the Lords Supper together.  We prayed together for all the needs we prayed together while he was still in my tummy.

On our way home, I asked the girls what they discussed in childrens service to which Keara asked me if she can be baptized!  I am so excited for her!  We had a discussion (to ensure she understands what baptism and being "born again" truly means) and she then wanted to know if her papa could baptize her.  I love that.  My mom's husband, Rick, is the most spiritual man in our family and it will be his greatest honor to do this for her.  There is nothing he loves more than having a part in someone coming to Christ; be it family, friend or stranger.  I do wonder how Josh will react, being atheist.  I can only continue to pray that he will be accepting. 

I Am Strong

I realized I have never written out a birth story.  6 pregnancies, 5 births.  I have a lot of stories to tell but for now, I’ll contain it to my most recent 13 days ago.

 

It was Tuesday March 19 and my 40 39 week 6 day appointment with my midwife.  Aliza.  She is awesome.  I came to her with my 4^th pregnancy so it was only natural I’d continue with each subsequent one.  I’m not one for routine “checks” on dilation so the only time she had checked me was at 38 weeks since I was working all weekend (12 hr shifts an hour away from home) and I was 1-2 cm at that point.  My hope with this visit  was I would be (fingers crossed) 3 cm.  Well, turns out I was 4-5!!  Yea!  She asked me if I wanted her to strip my membranes?  Sure. Ok. Why not?  I’d never had it done before so I really had no clue what to expect.  Well, it wasn’t terribly painful but it was a bit uncomfortable.  So, intimate visit over…off we go at 10:30 with a 41 wk appointment scheduled.

 

12:00    Josh decides we should go have lunch.  OTB sounds delish!  Love me some Mexican food…maybe stimulate some labor while we’re at it.  So while we are enjoying our *maybe* last lunch with Ashlynn, I’m having some uncomfortable cramping (which she prepared me for, along with spotting).  Ok, I’ll breathe through these and hope they are doing some good.  Lunch enjoyed, finished and off we went.

2:00 pm               I lay down and take a nap.  Josh picks up the girls from school.  The cramping stops.  Great, well…I guess the stripping didn’t work.  Figures.

3:30 pm                I get up, spend the afternoon with the kids outside.  Abby’s chain comes off her bike twice so I’m helping her put it on.  I bust out the wrenches and attempt to put more tension on the chain by pulling the back tire  taught. We’re enjoying the weather, kids are having fun and eating popsicles.

 

Guess we end up having a late dinner.  Heck, I can’t even remember what I cooked!  I think it was chicken?  I do remember I didn’t eat a lot. Then things change.

I notice I’m having regular “contractions” about every 15 minutes.  Not crampy ones, just a tightening that is routine.  I’m keeping an eye on the timing but not telling Josh.  He’ll just get over excited. We get the kids to bed, Abby and Keara are down by 8 and zonked.  Josh ran to get a treat and comes in the house with an ice cream sundae for me J  What an awesome hubby I have!  Well, things change again.  Now the contractions are getting crampy.  Still 15 minutes apart but a bit more intense.  I’m eating my ice cream and breathing through the contractions.  Josh hasn’t noticed and I haven’t said anything yet.  Still watching the time…12 minutes.

 

9:00 pm                “I’m going to get a shower”…clue #1 to him that he doesn’t get.  I start to get a few things together in the bathroom.  I text my midwife and let her know to get ready…I’m showering.  She just delivered one a few hours ago, I remind her it’s spring equinox. After 15 minutes in the shower breathing through contractions that feel better in the hot water (but I can tell they are more intense) I decide to holler out, “Josh”…”Josh”…”JOSH”…he comes.  “Call Ian and ask him to come stay the night here tonight.  We’re going in soon.  Baby is coming”  Well, this is when my overly excited hubby begins calling everyone and telling them.  Then he is rushing me as though I’m going to deliver in the car.  I think I know my body well enough to know I have time.  Aliza asks me if she should head in or do we have time, I reply “I think we have time but Josh is freaking out”. 

9:45  pm              My sweet friend/neighbor Aimee comes over to sit until Ian arrives.  I think she may be half wondering if I’m really in labor.  Minus the controlled breathing every 5 minutes (did I mention I’ve been 5 minutes apart for an hour now??) I’m pretty much myself, laughing and joking. 

10:00 pm             Josh is rushing me.

10:15 pm             We finally leave for the hospital.

10:35 pm             We finally arrive on the L&D unit.  The Tech is told to put us in triage to “make sure I’m in labor”…she knows better, I know better…but, whatever.

10:45 pm             Aliza arrives (thank God!) and walks us to the natural room.  I’m still feeling good, figure I’m about 6-7.  No urge to push, not feeling like I’m transitioning yet.  Well…turns out I’m 9 freaking cm!!!! Holy cow!

11:00 pm             I won’t go into detail, but let’s just say that the RN I started out with is not who I finished with.  When dealing with a couple who are birthing their 5^th child, 3^rd unmedicated delivery, it’s best to let them lead. Mom knows her body, dad knows mom and the most awesome midwife is there to support them both. Later, Janet.

 

I decide to let them get whatever it is they so desperately need into the computer before breaking my water because then I  know it’s game on.  My contractions intensify and my tailbone and hips are KILLING me.  I’m a quite, eyes closed kind of laborer.  I find my place, breathe from deep down somewhere, keep God as my focus and keep each muscle fiber relaxed through the contraction.  Josh is putting intense (and fantastic) pressure on my tailbone with each one.  It’s my saving grace and allows me to focus even more.  I rock my hips bent over my bed which is raised up so that I can just bend at my hips. Time to break the water, she does.  It’s nice and clear.  I get back up to contract and let the rest of the amnio out.   I get in the tub.  The water feels great but my hips/tailbone are the worst pain.  Remember, this boy is sunny side up.  So if this ain’t back labor, I don’t know what is.  As wonderful as the water feels, it is not helping my pain.  I squat in the tub…this baby is beginning his descent. I’m still nesting around.  I find with all my births, being in bed is my place.  It’s where I am the most comfortable.  As much as I’m all for water births, I’m just not comfortable there.  I get out and lean on the bed again.  Then I’m on the bed, on all fours…we are intense.  I can almost NOT focus through the contractions because of the back pain, but I know if I lose control…it’s that much harder to get it back and the pain is 1000 times worse.  So I focus.  Aliza is wonderful…she knows when I’m about to lose it and draws me back.  Reminds me of my own strength. Then, the time comes.  Time to flip over…time to prepare to push. All this time I breathe through the contractions while allowing my body to remain relaxed and open.  Let my body do what it knows to do.  Let my baby descend naturally.  Once the body says push, it’s an intense overwhelming urge.  It’s like an out of body experience where I have no control but I can totally sense the power of God working.  The hip pain is almost unbearable and I just want it over.  Through all of this I can hear the quiet voice of my midwife as she is delivering the head and then guiding Josh in delivering the rest of his son.  I can’t begin to put into words the emotion of having your husband’s hands guide into this earthly world, the child you formed together. To know that you endured 9 months of growing this blessing and the agony of labor to have the one person who knows you most intimately, loves this child as much as you do, be the one to welcome him for his first breath.  Not a stranger who will never see him again.

 

3/20/2012 12:06 am       Josh’s hands bring our sweet, long awaited 2nd son Brenden Mackie into this world.  He is loud, he is strong, he is super pink!  He cries for 20 minutes, he nurses, we bond and cuddle.  We delay the cord cut, the vitals, the assessment.  He’s perfect. Then he poo’s on mommy.  Thanks son.

 

the moments you never get back

 

My 4 younger (Keara, Ashlynn, Abigail and Brenden)

 

"The LORD will keep you from all harm-he will watch over your life; the LORD will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore"

Psalm 121:7-8

 

Faith in uncertainty

Well, at 39 wks I'm officially a full time SAHM until my maternity leave is over which is at about 10 weeks post partum. Not sure how I feel about it? I love being a mother, it's the greatest blessing from God but I also have a deep passion for my calling as a nurse. It is where I get to be the hands of Jesus, the arms of the church, the feet of God. It's where I can spread the gospel, most importantly through action, touch and compassion.

I am excited for the arrival of this baby boy.  It had been difficult to cherish each day of this pregnancy knowing, and being at peace with the fact, that it is my last. I am confident in God's plan for me moving forward and I accept whatever His plan is.  I shall pray for guidance, pray for insight and have faith that I will know the path to take. I love that He has chosen me to raise 5 beautiful children to know and love the Lord, to be honored as their earthly parents.

I pray for completeness in my family, a unity built on the love of Jesus Christ.  I pray for Josh, that he is uplifted and guided, surrounded by mentors strong in faith. I pray that he leads our family with a passion I know he us capable of and that where our next move is will be in keeping with His plan.

"The LORD will keep you from all harm-he will watch over your life; the LORD will watch over your coming and going both now and forever more" psalm 121:7-8

Same Song, umpteenth verse...

Oh, how I fail you my blog page!  I treat you as though you are second fiddle and deserve no attention.

A lot of things have been going on.  Not sure where to start, so I’ll just ramble and hope you can keep up with my thought process ;)

 

First, we are officially 3 weeks and 4 days away from our due date!!!  We are so ready.  I’d say “me especially” but Josh has informed me he’s ready to just “reach in there and grab him out” so I guess he is a bit more impatient than I.  This has been a relatively uncomplicated pregnancy, as all of them have been.  I will say that this is the only one that I have been so out of breath, easily worn out and swollen with.  This baby has taken a physical toll like no other!  I am, though, looking forward to the start of labor.  Crazy (and I mean CRAzy) as it sounds, I enjoy the labor/delivery process.  It is such an amazing and awe inspiring time for me.  To be so close to God, to work directly with Him in bringing a brand new life into the world, to be honored as his earthly parents.  There is nothing more spectacular than looking into the eyes of a new child (adopted or birthed) and realizing, at that very instantaneous moment,  that life is entrusted to you; that your role is to raise him/her in the light of Christ with a firm understanding of His work because quite honestly, the plans were made long before the conception.  It will be so bitter sweet as we are firm that this will be our last.  At least I’m 99.9% sure we are?  I’m sure Josh and I will look at each other for confirmation right before that big step is taken.  {I’m kind of tearing up the thought right now} Something that has been reinforced to me with this pregnancy is that God WILL provide.  He provides for those who seek and trust him, who live according to His will.  This may be our 5^th child, but it has been 19 yrs since a baby boy has blessed us.  Sure, we have all the big ticket items that we need (crib, car seat, pack n play, swing) and some girly items (bouncer, high chair, small umbrella stroller, bedding, blankets) but we have NONE of the small stuff.  I must say I have been overwhelmed at a few of my friends generosity.  Holly not only gave me a ton of clothes and receiving blankets, but she was able to switch bouncers with me (she is due with a little girl 1 day after me and has 2 boys).  Celeste is loaning me her carrier and has clothes, too.  Then I have Theda who has blessed me with tons of infant clothing that may have been worn once or twice by her 6mo old grandson and Zarina who loaned me (out of the blue) a beautiful basinet. My in-laws are generously getting us a new stroller and want to get a boy bedding set when the crib transition comes. You see, no one including family, offered or even asked about a baby shower.  No one has even inquired as to if there was one.  I will say, it’s disappointing in the extent that a get together to celebrate would have been warmly welcomed but at the same time, God provided.  Abundantly!! 

Josh is finally being given a title at work that he earned a long time ago.  Now it’s a matter of paperwork that is on forever delay.  He will, at some point, officially carry the title First Assistant Golf Professional.  This gives him the ability to work anywhere in the US.  I doubt we will move far since he has grown a network of clients that more than fills his schedule with lessons, but should God point us elsewhere we are open to going. I have made it clear that California and Florida are out of the question…cost of living is way too high.  He’s a Texan, born and raised, so I’m sure we’ll stay here in the good ‘ol Republic. I’m so proud of him!!  He has a phenomenal work ethic and a passion for what he does.  Not to mention the way he loves his kids.  Surprisingly, he shows a bit more compassion to Ian than I do?  I love that, to see him love Ian.  How awesome is that!  The girls adore their daddy J  Josh took Abby to dinner for her birthday and she had such a great time!  She loved getting dressed up and feeling special as they ate at Macaroni Grill.  He has blossomed into more than I thought was possible when it comes to the girls, and for that I am grateful.  

Ian is doing well on his own.  He is learning some lessons financially that we tried to teach him about before, but his stubborn nature wanted to do it alone. He is getting back on his feet and realized he doesn’t want to be in that situation again, so I guess it’s a lesson learned??  He and Meagan are still dating, almost a year now.  They are both deep into their faith and attending church on Sunday and Wednesday every week.  I’m very proud of them for that, even if I’m a bit skeptical of the teachings.  I have laid the best foundation I could with Ian, living a humble life as an example and now it’s completely out of my hands.  It never really was in my hands, it was always Gods. I pray they learn the entire Gospel and the truth of the Word, not just bits taken out of context to elevate oneself or another.

 

“God chooses in grace.  God’s grace to this family and to people today does not depend on their personal goodness, but on God’s.  We also find here that forceful, independent thinking and acting do not move God’s purposes forward.  Rather, out of trust in His grace and guidance come belief and obedience to Him.” [lesson 21, The Story of Isaac, BSF 2013]

 

In Him,Forever Blessed~

Jenny

 

Where Does the Time Go?

Josh and I had a wonderful anniversary date. He surprised me with a romantic dinner at Lawry's (we started that tradition on our first, but haven't been in about 3) which was delicious as always. Little did I know, we were getting a whole night away from the kids! That is very rare in our marriage, mainly because we don't have anyone close to stay at our house. It was much needed time; just to relax, reconnect and talk without any interruptions.
Ian will be moving out next month, and he needs the transition, a step to adulthood. I'm proud that he has been getting up and going to church with a few friends. If nothing else, he remembers the importance of keeping Christ central in his life. I hold firm in Gods sovereign plan for Ian.
We are now 25 weeks into our 5th pregnancy and all is going well. Don't get me wrong; I am tired, winded, swollen and feel huge but I am so thankful to my God for the trust in growing and raising another child. I pay each day for this sweet baby boy that his spirit will be in tune with God's plan and purpose for him, that he will do great things.
Jeremiah 1:5