I'm having one of those days. You know, the kind where you contemplate your life; where it is, where it is going, the decisions you made? Yea, I know-"what are you talking about Jenny??" First let me pre-empt this with the statement What a fantastic lesson today in service!!

Most of my close and dear friends and family know that I have always had a strong desire for a large family. Most of my friends will tell you that I have at some given point wanted at least 5 kids. (Now, if you are laughing you can stop reading. I don't need the criticism) I grew up in a pretty nice extended family. Both my parents are 1 of 5 siblings. I missed out on that. It's me and my brother (I love you dearly, Eric) but I really feel like I missed out. I felt isolated and alone most of my pre-teen and teenage years. Probably even into most of my adult-hood. So from a tender age I wanted to have lot's of kids. Mom, you may disagree but you also disagreed with me about money and happiness :) My problem was that I had Ian at 19 and then focused on school and work without thinking that my child-bearing years were getting behind me. Oh, I also didn't take the time to really find Jesus (He would have solved my problem quicker, I'm sure). Now that I have a very Christ centered life, everything seems so much more clear and my purpose so much more desirable. Don't get me wrong, I reap tremendous reward in my career as a nurse. For that I KNOW the Lord is using me. I just have this nagging, burning empty feeling inside. As if something is missing. My maternal instinct tells me that I am not done having children. That there is at least one more the Lord deems in my future. "Sons are a heritage from the LORD, children a reward from him. Like arrows in the hands of a warrior are sons born in one's youth. Blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them." (Psalm 127:3-5)

My delema is focusing and listening to my Lord. Which priority comes first? My longing to bear children blessed to me, or strengthening my witness to turn the heart of my husband? See, Josh is not a believer and thus our viewpoint on children is much different. I Know with full faith that the Lord will provide for our family as long as we welcome Him into our hearts. Josh feels that we have to provide and looks at the secular, worldly reasons as to why it is not a good time for children. My view: It's not the house that makes a home, it is the tradition and happiness inside that make a home. I never have and still don't need a particular lifestyle to feel good. "naked a man comes from his mother's womb, and as he comes, so he departs. He takes nothing from his labor that he can carry in his hand" (Ecclesiatstes 5:15) It is very difficult to argue either point when we are so opposite in our beliefs. Which leads me to...

How did I end up here? How did I manage to find, fall in love with, and marry a man who is so opposite than me? How blinded was I to his non-belief? I'm trying to figure out why it was not so important to me in the beginning. 1 Answer: I was not a full fledged Christian. I knew my belief but had not turned my life over to Jesus. Now that I have, how clear life is!

Don't get me wrong, I love my husband. He comes right after God. I support him in every way a wife should. I have come to the realization that if I was not a beliver, we would probably be divorced by now. But my faith in Gods plan for me gives me faith and courage and patience. That through my witness and example, he too will come to know Jesus. "Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that , if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives" (1 Peter 3:1-2)
I'm beginning to wonder if my hardest most trying "test" will be to walk with Josh until he comes to know Christ. In comparison, raising a flock of kids will be a walk in the park.

Personality

Abby never fails to amaze me. Of all of our children, she seems to have been blessed with the grace and demeanor of someone beyond her years. She has recently taken up photography. No, not professionally. Not even with permission to use the camera. We just seem to find her snapping photos of inanimate objects, her sister, or herself. She has been respectful with the cameras, just fails to ask permission to use them (this does not make her brother happy, Ian likes his camera).

So the other day Josh and I were "lounging" on the bed watching the stock market fall when Abby came in to cuddle with us. I jokingly took out the camera and lo an behold, Abby started posing!! It was so cute it was funny. Josh and I could not stop laughing. At one point we wondered if CPS would come looking for us. She is a riot!!

This would be her "frog" pose. An original.

I laugh at how serious she tries to be. Posing as if

for a magazine cover!

This last one is daddy's favorite. She resembles him almost as a carbon copy. She has such a photogenic way about her, maybe we will indulge her new found love of the camera? Mind you, her Christmas 2006 photo-she is crying in it.

Ok all you grandma and grandpa's. Here is a nice close up of that sweet little devil. Don't let the looks fool you, she can be quite the sneaky trouble starter.

My September Endings....

Where to begin. Or begin? Anyways, where in the world has this year gone?? I swear it was just yesterday that we were starting 2008 and now Christmas is around the corner. I hate the holiday time of year for the sheer fact that shopping and materialism are the evil in the air. They become the forefront of most people's agenda and the spirit of the season is overlooked by many. So sad.

Well, I survived my first born transcending into a high-schooler. The dance. He had a great time, looked great, and behaved himself (for all I know). He didn't take a date saying he didn't want to have to "entertain someone". Smart kid. Did you know that there are Afterparties for 9th graders? I mean, come on!! What are these parents thinking?? The kids are all of 14 years old. Going to IHOP with some parents is one thing, going to a house party is another. A parent can only pray and then leave the rest in God's hands.

good looking kid, ain't he?

Josh decided (after a big argument about Keara's skin and the carpet involvment...I accept my fair share of the responsibility) to tear up the living room and hall carpet...himself. It took him 5.5 hours and I honestly did not take him seriously when he said, "Fine. I'll just rip it up tomorrow." My bad!! Never underestimate a Capricorn. Never back a Cavender into the corner. Lesson learned. Duly noted honey!

So here I sit, in my cement floor home waiting for the one estimate that is most reasonable. We are in no rush to get the flooring done. I would like it done by halloween but we are being reasonable, fiscal, and if that means a bit of our own sweat and blood...it will be good for us. This might be a blessing in disguise? It sure would make Josh and I work together on a mutual project for the first time :)

I think the blue walls could be a project, too. Drum on Drummer.She's got some skill!!!

1. October __reminds me of hot apple cinnamon cider, fresh baked sweet breads and cool fall nights at the drive in movies_.

2. Creepy Crawly bugs and ones that fly__ scare me!

3. Leaves are falling all around, it's _the best time of the year and I am 7 all over again.

4. My favorite horror movie is _Nightmare on Elm Street__ because _it was the first one to really scare me!

5. _Family + Holidays_ = good memories.

6. It was a dark and stormy night __and I was reading a good book with a cup of hot cocoa, the kids asleep.

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to _time with the kids, tomorrow my plans include _tying up a few loose ends and cleaning__ and Sunday, I want to _get through my first day of computer charting at work!!!!!!!!!!!!