I'm having one of those days. You know, the kind where you contemplate your life; where it is, where it is going, the decisions you made? Yea, I know-"what are you talking about Jenny??" First let me pre-empt this with the statement What a fantastic lesson today in service!!

Most of my close and dear friends and family know that I have always had a strong desire for a large family. Most of my friends will tell you that I have at some given point wanted at least 5 kids. (Now, if you are laughing you can stop reading. I don't need the criticism) I grew up in a pretty nice extended family. Both my parents are 1 of 5 siblings. I missed out on that. It's me and my brother (I love you dearly, Eric) but I really feel like I missed out. I felt isolated and alone most of my pre-teen and teenage years. Probably even into most of my adult-hood. So from a tender age I wanted to have lot's of kids. Mom, you may disagree but you also disagreed with me about money and happiness :) My problem was that I had Ian at 19 and then focused on school and work without thinking that my child-bearing years were getting behind me. Oh, I also didn't take the time to really find Jesus (He would have solved my problem quicker, I'm sure). Now that I have a very Christ centered life, everything seems so much more clear and my purpose so much more desirable. Don't get me wrong, I reap tremendous reward in my career as a nurse. For that I KNOW the Lord is using me. I just have this nagging, burning empty feeling inside. As if something is missing. My maternal instinct tells me that I am not done having children. That there is at least one more the Lord deems in my future. "Sons are a heritage from the LORD, children a reward from him. Like arrows in the hands of a warrior are sons born in one's youth. Blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them." (Psalm 127:3-5)

My delema is focusing and listening to my Lord. Which priority comes first? My longing to bear children blessed to me, or strengthening my witness to turn the heart of my husband? See, Josh is not a believer and thus our viewpoint on children is much different. I Know with full faith that the Lord will provide for our family as long as we welcome Him into our hearts. Josh feels that we have to provide and looks at the secular, worldly reasons as to why it is not a good time for children. My view: It's not the house that makes a home, it is the tradition and happiness inside that make a home. I never have and still don't need a particular lifestyle to feel good. "naked a man comes from his mother's womb, and as he comes, so he departs. He takes nothing from his labor that he can carry in his hand" (Ecclesiatstes 5:15) It is very difficult to argue either point when we are so opposite in our beliefs. Which leads me to...

How did I end up here? How did I manage to find, fall in love with, and marry a man who is so opposite than me? How blinded was I to his non-belief? I'm trying to figure out why it was not so important to me in the beginning. 1 Answer: I was not a full fledged Christian. I knew my belief but had not turned my life over to Jesus. Now that I have, how clear life is!

Don't get me wrong, I love my husband. He comes right after God. I support him in every way a wife should. I have come to the realization that if I was not a beliver, we would probably be divorced by now. But my faith in Gods plan for me gives me faith and courage and patience. That through my witness and example, he too will come to know Jesus. "Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that , if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives" (1 Peter 3:1-2)
I'm beginning to wonder if my hardest most trying "test" will be to walk with Josh until he comes to know Christ. In comparison, raising a flock of kids will be a walk in the park.