July 13, 2009

I just finished reading a friend's blog today and came the realization that I have never blogged about myself or my family in a true sense. So here I go....

The year is 1992 and I am in the midst of a tormentuous relationship. He is controlling, demeaning, addicted. UnChristian in every sense of the word. He is the Devil. And yet, I love him or so I convince myself. He is the first "man" to show me love and attention and while I am without any self dignity and without any self esteem I lavish in his negative attention. It is a short relationship for he spends a majority of it in jail for minor offenses. It is during one of his "out" times that it happens....I become pregnant. Great. Now what do I tell my parents?? Fortunately, they are supportive. Praise God!! He knew I was going to need them for the next 5 years. For that is how long I was going to have my Step-dad with me and we needed to mend our relationship (which we did before his death in June 1999...10 yrs, 1 month and 1 day ago). Ian was born Nov 4, 1993 at 2341.

The next 9 years would prove difficult for me. (I had left the Catholic Church in NY when my mom/step dad moved us to Texas. I remember my mom would occasionally take us to St. Matthew's but nothing routine. Prayer was not a part of our lives and I was lost.) During those 9 years I would attend and graduate college, lose not only my step-dad but my grandma and grandpa Templar, my uncle's Richard and Bob. I would go through a few relationships and party a little more than a responsible mom should. What was I looking for? I don't know. Thankfully Ian had my mom as a good role model. Don't misinterpret...I raised him, provided for him but was a lousy role-model. In retrospect I was an irresponsible parent. Remember, Jesus was not my priority at this time. In 2002 I had begun attending the local LDS church. My boyfriend at the time was raised Mormon and my interest in him sparked me to begin my research. That is why I walked into Sunday service one morning. WOW!! How welcoming, warm and non judgmental they were! I needed that kind of support at that time in my life. It helped me through the breakup and began my search for a real relationship. I still keep in touch with many of them, but have come to "disagree" with some of the traditions of the church. So yet again, i am left to ponder my role in this world.

At the urging of some friends at work during the summer of 2003, I posted a profile on Match.com. Why not? I wasn't making any progress as is and I was about to 28!! I had always wanted a large family and time was of the essence! So I go on a couple of "dates" (safely I may add...met up at a neutral public place). Nothing felt comfortable. It is in October that I get a wink from "Phelixdecat"...hmmm? I wink back. I look at his profile. Cute!! I'm lovin' the bit of gray in the hair (I'm a sucker for that dignified look) and glasses...what a smile! If you know me, then you know my obsession with clean teeth. We chat online, talk on the phone and finally meet for a date in December. He picked me up with a bouquet of flowers. I opened the door and realized at that moment. "He's the one". Simple as that. I will marry this man. 6 months later we are engaged. Mind you, I did not probe him on his belief in Christianity. What was I thinking!!?? I wasn't...I was "In Love" (said with that ooey, gooey sound) We had planned to be married in the church that his grandparents and parents were married in but in the end, chose the JP. We decided using the money towards the purchase of a new home was the wisest option. *November 23, 2004 is the magic day* Ian is know calling Josh "dad" :-) This is how Ian will come to feel about him for the rest of his life.

Within 18 months we had moved into a new home, had 2 daughters, made it through 2 job losses and the loss of his grandfather. That was hard for him. That summer, July 2006 I began attending a local Fellowship church since Ian enjoyed the youth group. He had friends from school there. Josh has without a doubt taken on the full role of being Ian's dad. Christ was still not a part of our lives and I was coming to understand that Josh would never return or turn to Jesus. He is an Agnostic. He believes in a higher power but does not believe what he can not see. He is a stubborn capricorn who thrives off of proof in any area of his life. He does not attend church, he is lost. His work life is crumbling, our marriage is beginning to suffer from the society influence in his life. He has dreams, but despite any support, he is unmotivated to reach them. All he has ever wanted to do is Golf. It is his passion and life dream. He has golfed since he was 6 (and a strong bond he helps me keep with my beloved step dad). I love him. I do not like him. He is suffereing with depression. I need someone in my life. I turn to Jesus with full force and submission. My life is not my life, it is His. It is His will that must be done. Use me, however you need to. Teach me. I need to know how to lead my family when my husband can not. Strenghthen me, for I am bearing the yoke of my entire family for which I will turn over to you. Protect me. Satan is alive in my house and I need you to protect us all.

October 2007. I am baptised. For real this time. How amazing that once I put my entire life in His hands that things began to turn around!! I'm not saying that roses, poppies and tulips were scattered in my house, but the stress of "making things work" began to lessen. Relationships began to heal. My head was clearer for I had my sight on the real prize. I began to tithe. Not a full 10% for my husband is my husband and I am bound to honor him regardless of his beliefs. 5%. It keeps the peace and allows me to give with a pure heart. I am now involved with LifePointe Fellowship. I love my "new" life!! Josh in the meantime has helped to start up a new Ebay Company, EasySale.com and is now making a good income. We are comfortable. I drop to Part-time work, 2 days a week. January rolls around....BAM! He is laid off on the 25th. 3rd time.

I don't know if it was the prayers, the Grace of God through me, or his own insight. Josh finally decided to pursue a role in the Golf world. He put out over 50 applications online and in person. No one was hiring...it's a hard line of work to get into especially when you are not a PGA member, but can not become one until you work for 6months in the field and are accepted. July 7, 2008 we are en route to NY when he gets the call...HIRED!! Heritage Ranch in Fairview, close to home. YEA!!! Praise our Lord and Saviour!! (I quietly pray to myself).

This last year has been just as up and down as all of them. Josh was accepted into the PGA, beginning his studies to become whatever he wants to in the PGA (as well as play the amateur tour). We have even had some "deep" conversations about God. I have beared my testimony to him with joy and tears. He is ok with raising the children to believe and know God/Jesus. He doesn't dispute my taking them to Church every Sunday, he is even invited whenever he wants to come. He doesn't. He still doesn't believe. That's ok. "What??" you say! I know, it has taken me too many years, but I finally came to the realization that Josh and I were not brought together so that I could make a believer out of him. That is God's place. Only He can turn Josh's heart and open him up to the life of a Christian. We came together so that MY faith could be strengthened. So that I would come to realize what I had been missing all along. That void? Yea, Josh was my missing piece, but God, He was what I needed to fill the void. Josh knows that if God needs to use me to bring him to Christ, that I will whole-heartedly give my life. For that is how deep my love is for both of them, for it would be my honor to give up my own earthly life so that Josh will have his own eternal life.

"Be still and know that I am God" PS 46:10