I was raised knowing God, knowing the rules I needed to
follow in order to be in good standing.
The rules that, when adhered to, would allow me through the gates of
heaven. Then my parents divorced, my mom
remarried, and we moved from upstate NY to Arlington, Texas; my world had
turned upside down in 2 years. At 8 yrs
old I questioned who God was and by 12, church was no longer part of my life. I had no significant relationship with my mom
and my step dad was borderline abusive and strict. The next 7 years were filled with isolation,
shame, alcohol, drugs, and an abusive relationship which culminated in a
pregnancy at 18. As I look back, this is
where God started his work in taking over what I was failing at trying to do. I
was at rock bottom and now I could only look up. Problem was I didn’t.
My 20’s were spent balancing parenting, college, and still
rebelling. I was searching for a love
and acceptance that I just couldn’t find. I went through a couple of relationships, one
that was significant but he left me for another woman; love was pretty hurtful
to me. I lost my step-dad to cancer when I was
24. We had developed a bond the moment I
told him I was pregnant. He was there
for me no matter what. 6 months after
his death I graduated with my nursing degree. The one prayer I prayed went unanswered; to
have him live to see me graduate. Again,
God let me down.
I met my future husband.
Something was changing, but I didn’t have a clue to the road I was about
to embark on. He had recently moved back
to Dallas from Florida knowing (unbeknownst to me) that he would “find his wife
in Texas”. He says he always knew
this. We were dating 6 months when he
proposed, found out we were pregnant and 6 months later we were married. Within 1 ½ years from our wedding date we
added 2 kids, a new house, and suffered 3 job lay-offs. Life was rough.
Our son, in 6th grade at the time, was invited to
a youth night. He had a fun time and
wanted to check out the church. So I
took the kids and thus began a brand new chapter in my life. God was calling me and there was going to be
no turning back now.
You see, my husband and I never placed our faith/belief as
even a remote priority in our dating. I
knew he was raised with an Episcopalian background (me Catholic) and that he
didn’t attend church; I just never knew he had turned away and was atheist. My walk in Christianity meant it would be
alone.
I’ve spent the last 9 years walking blindly on the narrow
path of faith; Limited family support, no spousal support, no system of support
for new believers from my church. I’ve
read a ton of books on being a godly wife and on being married to an
atheist. I’ve grown in my knowledge of
scripture more than I could ever have imagined. I pray through my days as I lead my 5
children on a path to salvation and pray that God will turn my husband’s heart
towards Him. What I have not been able
to find is a church home. A place where the people not only welcome
you wherever you are in your faith, but a family that meets you where you are and
walks the journey with you. Well, I found it. Oddly, I found it in the same neighborhood I
grew up in even though I’m 50 miles away now.
Despite the distance the truth, grace, and rawness continue to draw me
in.
My name is Jenny. Come join me at Praxis.
